August 25, 2012

Beautiful People	Christmas?????
My husband, BC, and I went to a wedding tonight. We remarked to each other how odd it felt to be out among other adults in a social situation. We hardly had anything to talk about. Of course, there's the baby. We can always talk about the baby. It's difficult to keep the baby banter to mere chitchat, though. I could go on and on about our lives now that BC is here. I could go forty rounds on the wonder of homebirth. I could talk your ear off about the ever-changing breastfeeding relationship. But none of that serves me well in a mixed-group social situation.  Another challenge to the dinner party conversation was the fact that, well, there was the baby. BC was wriggling all about, drooling, spitting up, reaching and grabbing and dropping things on the floor to be retrieved, cooing and blowing raspberries, pulling the front of my dress down, and biting my nose and pulling my hair. Again, hardly conducive to a pleasant evening.  But none of that really compared to how unbelievably insecure about my body and my looks I became almost the instant I set foot in the door.  I've never counted myself as a particularly beautiful person. Now, before this turns into a "oh, come on, Molly!" moment I will say that I don't think I'm unattractive by any means. I guess what I mean is, I'm not at all "shiny". I'm not one of the Beautiful People. And almost all of the time I'm completely fine with that. But today... I just felt awful. And I know that's a horribly selfish thing to say and probably to write about too. The feminist in me is screaming out in shame. But I can't help it. Every insecurity I have ever had about my body and my looks got put under a microscope and shoved in my face tonight.  I had a baby 4-months ago. I'm still carrying around about 15 extra pounds from that pregnancy. Means none of my clothes fit (even if I didn't have those 15lbs I still don't think any of my clothes would fit since my breasts are nearly twice their pre-pregnancy size, and my hips are quite a bit curvier). I bought a cheap summer dress several months ago from Target. It's the one thing I currently own that I can easily breastfeed in and doesn't look like I'm headed to the gym. But it also doesn't look like a fancy heading-to-a-wedding dress. But it's what I had so it's what I wore. Then, of course, there was my hair and make-up, both "done" while trying to keep BC entertained and occupied - never an easy feat. I think I even put on my mascara while holding him... I had to be careful about the jewelry I wore - nothing too dangly for BC to grab. And I had to get BC changed, diapered, get his diaper bag together, and out the door. By the time we got to the wedding (my husband was a groomsman so we met him there) I was hot and sweaty and my hair was coming uncurled. No sooner did we set foot into the venue but BC spit up all over the front of me, my shoe and the, what I'm sure was, very expensive oriental rug in the front hall. Wipe that up, head upstairs where the ceremony was happening, and reach a line of guests waiting to be escorted in. All VERY shiny.  That was it. I had done pretty well for myself up until that point. But when I looked around and saw women with flawless make-up, perfect hair, manicured nails, and luxurious, expensive looking dresses, I felt instantly gross. All I could think about was the wet spot of spit-up on my breast and the fact that my son was digging his toes into the skin on my very-recently-pregnant belly. And I felt gross. There is no other way to describe it. I hate, hate, hate the fact that that is what I felt, but it was. There's no way to change that. I spent the rest of the evening holding BC or the sling over my wettest side (BC still dribbles when he nurses I I've always got one wet side), trying not to look at anyone, and berating myself for getting so down about my looks.  I'm not going to now write about how I left the wedding feeling bad but then there was a magical moment when I looked at my son and saw his beautiful smile and my true beauty reflected back. That would be a nice way to end this post. My son does have a really beautiful smile... But no, that's not why I'm writing this post. I guess my reason for writing all of this is just to tell the experience as it was. I had a bad moment. A moment of self-pity and damaging thoughts. One that probably most new moms can relate to but one that didn't feel in any way relatable at the time. Also, I wanted to get this experience out. Out and out of the way. So now, back to reality.  ~M	Today is August 25, 2012.  In four months it will be CHRISTMAS!  Ack!  On so many levels, ACK!!!!.  I mean where is the time going?  This year will be so different as SJ will be nine months old and refreshing the joy of Christmas morning in this house for sure.   ~A